Micah's Read of the Week, Vol. 122
Larry David's Family Christmas Card, New Yorker Cartoon of the Week, The Enduring Metal Genius of Metallica, the return of Recipe Corner, and more.
Hello, and welcome to Micah’s Read of the Week.
This is a newsletter filled with things Micah Wiener finds interesting. Check out the archive of previous newsletters here.
Larry David’s: The View from Here
In the spirit of the season, a holiday letter from a family that’s putting the “salt” in “salt of the earth”
From the man who brought you the show that brought us Festivus. I‘ll just share the letter in its entirety:
Dearest Friends and Family,
I hope this letter finds you in good spirits during this happiest and holiest of seasons. Another year has come and gone, and with it, the usual peaks and valleys. But the good news is—we made it! So here it is, my annual recap of our family’s highlights for 2022.
As I like to say, if the kids are happy, then I’m happy—and Todd is thriving. Besides getting all A’s, being named captain of the baseball team, and designing and building our guesthouse, he played “Jud” in the eighth-grade production of Oklahoma! I know I’m prejudiced (literally!), but he was wonderful in it.
We celebrated when we got home, and Todd had his first beer. Actually, his first three beers! John and I went to bed, and the next morning we walked into the kitchen and found Todd slumped at the table in a pool of urine. What a sight that was!
To be honest, our only problem with Todd is getting him off that cell phone. One night when he happened to fall asleep early, John snuck into his bedroom and took the phone. When Todd woke up the next morning, he was furious and attacked John in the kitchen. Turns out he’d forgotten to take his Lithium! When he started to choke John, I grabbed a can of Dole pineapple juice and hit Todd over the head with it. Let me tell you, he had quite a lump! And there’s a good possibility he even walked around with a concussion for a few weeks after because he kept toppling over and was throwing up everywhere, including on Melinda, who ran into the shower and stayed under the water for an hour.
Melinda is doing great, by the way. Her acne is so much better than it was a year ago. We’ve finally allowed her to eat with us without having to wear a mask. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that a few weeks after, she lost her virginity to an immigrant from Morocco right before he got deported. Thank God that’s over!
But the big news is she got a job after school assisting a midwife! Well, wouldn’t you know it—one day the midwife didn’t show up for a birth and Melinda had to deliver the baby all by herself. The poor girl was born without a few fingers and the parents, of course, are furious and blame Melinda. Needless to say, they aren’t naming the baby after her!
And you may have heard about this, but if you haven’t—our baby girl became an informant to the local police about drug dealing in her school. Because of her sleuthing, four of her friends have been expelled and arrested. I am so proud of her! I ran into one of the girls’ moms in the market, and she called me the c-word, then emptied a can of Diet Coke on my head. I’m plotting my revenge as I write this. Not to give anything away, but let’s just say someone’s appearance is going to be altered dramatically!
As for Mom, her dementia is getting worse, but the good news is that the worse she gets, the funnier she becomes. One night at dinner, Todd kept asking, “Grandma, what’s my name?” She said, without blinking, “Benji.” BENJI! OMG, we died laughing! I thought John was going to have a heart attack. Then every minute or so, Todd would ask again, “Grandma, what’s my name?” “Lance.” Then Melinda asked her, “Grandma, how much is two plus two?” She started counting on her fingers and still couldn’t come up with it. We posted a video of it and got over 27,000 likes. We’re planning to post more soon—seems like a great way to make some extra cash.
On a sad note, we lost our beloved tabby a few months ago. Melinda left the front door open and Coco, a house cat, must’ve run out, never to be seen again. Melinda, of course, was punished by being banished to her room for four months. John built a small slat in her door for her meals and a big round hole for other items, like shampoo and fruit. I don’t know what you do for discipline, but John and I are firm believers in it. In fact, I’m happy to say it became a big part of our sex lives this year. I surprised him one night during our lovemaking by smacking him on the butt a few times. He liked it so much that I went out and bought a whip from “Sex-Citement,” the adult boutique on Old Route 29. It even comes with its own traveling case!
Then one night in July, I got a little too carried away and lashed John so hard I had to take him to the emergency room. While there, we were talking to the attending nurse, who happened to mention that she and her husband were in a swingers’ club. Well, next thing you know, we arranged for a swap the following night with the two of them. I was so nervous. Her husband was a bald man who was sweating like a pig, but OMG—he was awesome!! After that, John and I started swapping three times a week and have met tons of interesting people, one of whom is our new dentist!
I know many of you have been concerned about the recent fires in our area. During the San Lucas fire, we got a notification at 4 A.M. to evacuate. I woke up the kids and started packing frantically. Right before we left, I told John to go down to the basement and grab “Bucky,” the stuffed walrus that he won for me at Six Flags on our first date. But John said Bucky was too big to bring with us to a hotel and would take up too much room in the car. I said Bucky had great sentimental value and I could put him in the front passenger seat while I sat in the back with the kids. He said he wasn’t going to drive with a stuffed walrus sitting next to him and that’s that.
We screamed at each other for a good 10 minutes before we finally left, but the fact that he had so little regard for Bucky spoke volumes about our relationship and we’ve since separated—far from amicably. In fact, last week I wrote an anonymous letter to his boss, who now knows that John has been robbing him blind for the last few years. All I want for Christmas is to never see him again for the rest of my life.
Meanwhile, I’ve taken the kids and moved out of state. He has no idea where I am, so if any of you want to get in touch with me, please call. I feel like e-mails could be traced.
All in all, quite a year. Can’t wait to hear what’s up with you guys. Have a great 2023!
Love,
The Lyons
New Yorker Cartoon of the Week
The Enduring Metal Genius of Metallica
On the road with the band in its forty-first year.
What do you think when you hear the word “Metallica?” Their music is distinctive and timeless in its own way, but do you really know any Metallica fans? Well, they are out there. To me, Metallica is a monster touring act that rarely comes on my radar. But Metallica is popular. Like really, really popular.
The merch preceded them. Forty-eight hours before Metallica performed in Las Vegas, restaurants and bars along the Strip were crammed full of pilgrims dressed in branded gear: T-shirts, jerseys, sweatshirts, sneakers, tank tops, hats, beanies, socks, wristwatches. The most grizzled devotees wore fraying denim vests decorated with several decades’ worth of patches. Metallica’s licensing team estimates that about a hundred and twenty million Metallica T-shirts have been sold since 1995.
Metallica is now in its forty-first year. Though metal is often dismissed as underground music—frantic, savage, niche—Metallica has sold some hundred and twenty-five million records to date, putting the band on par, commercially, with Bruce Springsteen and Jay-Z. Since 1990, every Metallica album has débuted at No. 1 on the Billboard 200.
This profile goes deep into the backstories of each band member. But to me, the more interesting stuff concerns the day-to-day movements of one of the world’s biggest bands in 2022.
The night before the Vegas show, the band gathered at Allegiant Stadium for sound check. A scrum of about a dozen people, mostly from Metallica’s touring crew, stood on the floor to watch. (The band’s full road team has at least a hundred members.) Derek Carr, the quarterback for the Las Vegas Raiders, appeared, looking as though he were resisting an intense urge to play air guitar. Some clients of the private-plane company NetJets sat in the stands, enjoying specialty cocktails and cheering. The band periodically gathered around Ulrich’s drum kit. “Is there anything anyone wants to run?” Ulrich asked. But everyone knew what to do. At one point, Trujillo glanced out at the vacant seats and dad-joked, “I thought we were playing a sold-out show.” Even in a mostly empty stadium, the band sounded powerful, lucid, heavy.
What’s it like when Metallica is about to go on stage?
The feeling was: Let’s pop off. People were ready to have a good-ass time—to drink too many beers, to forget their earplugs, to buy a new Metallica T-shirt with demons on it and wiggle it on over an old Metallica T-shirt with demons on it, to headbang, to contort their fingers into devil’s horns and thrust them upward, to go “Ahhh!” when the pyro shot off, to shriek “Searching . . . seek and destroy!” along with fifty thousand other wild-eyed people, to turn to a friend and mouth “Yo!” when someone was soloing.
Like any band that’s been around 40 years, to an extent, Metallica thrived on conflict.
“Toxic masculinity has fuelled this band,” Hammett said. “I’m still sitting around saying, ‘O.K., I’m gonna write a really, really tough, kick-ass riff.’ Just look at my rhetoric there: tough, kick-ass riff. It’s an aggression that everyone feels, but it was ratcheted up in us—this weird masculine macho bullshit thing.”
For its fifth album, “Metallica,” in 1991—known as the Black Album—the band hired the Canadian producer Bob Rock, who had previously worked on blockbuster releases by Bon Jovi, Aerosmith, and Mötley Crüe.
Hammett recalled a conversation with Rock about how the band might achieve even greater fame. “The work doesn’t stop after you finish recording. Every single interview, every single appearance, every single everything—you need to do it all,” Hammett said. “That’s what Jon Bon Jovi did.”
The Black Album ultimately spent six hundred and twenty-five weeks on the Billboard charts and sold almost thirty-five million copies worldwide, becoming one of the best-selling albums of all time.
Five singles—“Enter Sandman,” “The Unforgiven,” “Nothing Else Matters,” “Wherever I May Roam,” and “Sad but True”—entered the Hot 100, and the band became a mainstay on MTV and modern-rock radio. “A lot of people talk down about it, or say that Metallica sold out,” Kerry King, of Slayer, told me. “Would I have wanted another ‘Damage, Inc.’? Fuck yeah. But it wasn’t on that record. And that record made them fucking superstars.”
Guitarist Kirk Hammett has always been interesting to me. He doesn’t look like the typical Metallica fan, nor does he talk like one.
Hammett, who is Buddhist, will talk at length about consciousness, God, enlightenment, resonance, Nirvana. He believes that the work he does with Metallica is an extension of some sublime and omnipotent creative force. “I put myself in this space where I take in all the creativity around me and I channel it to create more,” he said. His hope is that Metallica facilitates a healing sort of fellowship. “We are so nondenominational,” he said, laughing. “Come to the Church of Metallica. You’ll become a member and rejoice! You don’t have to direct anything at us. You can direct it at the experience that you’re having.”
So in the end, what is Metallica anyway?
“The fifth member of Metallica is the collective,” Ulrich said. “People say, ‘What does Metallica mean to you?’ It’s just a fuckin’ . . . it’s a state of mind.” He paused. “Metallica is the whole energy of the universe. We just steer it along.”
Recipe Corner
Roasted Pork Tenderloin With Apples, Shallots and Spinach
I made this a couple of weeks ago. The in-laws loved it. You could add other vegetables (carrots or peppers would be good) and really clean out the fridge on a roasting pan.
3 large shallots
2 unpeeled large sweet red apples (1 1/4 pounds total), such as Honeycrisp or Gala
3 tablespoons olive oil, divided
2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar, divided
1 tablespoon chopped fresh thyme leaves
1 tablespoon chopped fresh sage leaves
1/4 teaspoon fine salt, plus more to taste
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper, plus more to taste
3 teaspoons Dijon mustard, divided
One (1 1/4-pound) pork tenderloin, silver skin removed
1/3 cup no-salt-added chicken broth or water
1 teaspoon honey
3 cups (3 ounces) baby spinach
Position racks in the middle and lower third of the oven and preheat to 425 degrees. Halve and peel the shallots, then cut each half lengthwise into three wedges so that each wedge retains a bit of the core to hold it together. You will wind up with 18 wedges of shallot. Core the apples, then cut each apple into 12 wedges, so that you have 24 wedges total.
Place the apple and shallot wedges on a rimmed baking sheet. Toss with 1 tablespoon of the oil and roast for 10 minutes on the middle rack, then toss, and continue to roast for another 10 minutes. Drizzle with 1 tablespoon of the balsamic vinegar, toss to coat, and return to the oven for another 10 minutes, or until the apples and shallots are tender, browned in spots and nicely glazed.
While the apples and shallots are roasting, in a small bowl combine the thyme, sage, and 1/4 teaspoon each of the salt and pepper. Rub 1 teaspoon of the mustard all over the pork, then sprinkle the herb mixture all over it, pressing it in to adhere.
In a large, ovenproof skillet over medium-high heat, heat 2 tablespoons of the oil until shimmering. Add the pork and cook until browned on both sides, about 2 minutes per side. Transfer the skillet to the oven and cook until the meat reaches an internal temperature of 145 degrees and is slightly blushed in the center, 15 to 18 minutes. (When you add the skillet to the oven, transfer the baking sheet with the apples and shallots to the lower rack, if necessary.)
Transfer the pork to a cutting board to rest, and return the skillet to the stovetop (remember the handle will be hot). Add the chicken broth or water to the skillet and heat over high heat, scraping up the bits in the pan with a spoon, until the liquid is reduced by half, about 2 minutes. Reduce the heat to medium-low and whisk in the remaining 1 tablespoon of balsamic vinegar, 2 teaspoons of the mustard and the honey. Taste, and season with additional salt and pepper, if desired.
When the apples and shallots are done, remove the baking sheet from the oven, and add the spinach to the sheet pan and all but a few tablespoons of the sauce from the skillet. Toss to combine, allowing the spinach to wilt somewhat.
Thinly slice the pork and serve it over the vegetable-apple mixture, drizzled with the remaining sauce.
Buttermilk-Marinated Quail with Herbed Raita and Blood Oranges
Many hunters have a freezer full of doves right now. Tiny bird szn is my favorite szn. I’ve had the recipe ready to share here for more than a year.
1 bunch fresh cilantro (about 2 packed cups)
1 bunch fresh mint (about 3/4 packed cup)
1 cup buttermilk
8 garlic cloves, peeled
2 medium Indian green chiles or serrano chiles, stems removed
1 (1-inch) piece fresh ginger, peeled and sliced into 1/4-inch rounds
1 tablespoon ground toasted cumin
1 tablespoon ground coriander
2 teaspoons garam masala
4 1/2 teaspoons kosher salt, divided
8 (4-ounce) semi-boneless quail
1 cup plain whole-milk yogurt
2 tablespoons finely chopped scallion
2 tablespoons chopped fresh cilantro
1 1/2 tablespoons chopped fresh mint
4 teaspoons fresh lime juice
3/4 teaspoon black pepper
4 blood oranges
1/4 cup unsalted butter, melted
1/2 teaspoon chaat or garam masala
Combine bunch of cilantro, bunch of mint, buttermilk, garlic, chiles, ginger, cumin, coriander, garam masala, and 2 teaspoons salt in a blender. Process until smooth, about 40 seconds. Transfer marinade to a large ziplock plastic bag, and add quail. Seal bag, pressing out air, and turn until quail are well coated. Place in a dish (to protect against leaks), and chill 8 to 24 hours.
Stir together yogurt, scallion, chopped cilantro, chopped mint, lime juice, black pepper, and 1 1/2 teaspoons salt in a medium bowl until combined. Cover raita, and chill until ready to serve.
Using a small sharp knife, cut off tops and bottoms of oranges, exposing the red flesh and making the fruit sit flat on the cutting surface. Arc the knife along the natural contours of the fruit to remove peel, including the bitter white pith. Once the peel is removed, hold the orange over a strainer set over a large bowl, and carefully cut on either side of each section to free it from the membrane. Drop the segments (supremes) into the strainer as you work. Remove or cut around any seeds you encounter. Once all supremes are cut away, squeeze membranes to capture all the juice. Cover and chill supremes until ready to serve. Reserve juice for another use.
Remove quail from marinade, scraping off excess. Discard marinade. Pat quail dry with paper towels, and sprinkle with remaining 1 teaspoon salt.
Preheat broiler to high with oven rack 6 inches from heat. Brush quail with melted butter, and arrange, breast sides down, on a wire rack set inside a rimmed baking sheet. Broil in preheated oven until lightly browned and crispy, about 2 minutes. Flip quail, and broil until lightly browned and crispy but still rosy and juicy inside, 4 to 5 minutes.
If desired, cut each quail into halves or quarters. Divide quail among 8 appetizer or 4 dinner plates. Sprinkle with chaat masala, and serve with blood orange supremes and herbed raita for dipping.
Pan-Banging Ginger Molasses Cookies
It’s cookie szn.
For the cookies:
1 3/4 cup (249g) all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon + 1/8 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons ground ginger
3/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
Pinch cloves
12 tablespoons (170 grams) unsalted butter, room temperature
1 1/2 cup (297g) granulated sugar, plus more for rolling
2 tablespoons mild molasses
1 egg
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
For the glaze:
1 tablespoon unsalted butter
Pinch of salt
1 to 2 tablespoons black strap rum or dark rum (see note)
1/8 teaspoon ground cinnamon (optional)
1 ½ cup [180 g] confectioners’ sugar
Water, as needed
Adjust an oven rack to the middle position. Preheat the oven to 350°F. Line 3 baking sheets with parchment paper.
In a small bowl, whisk the flour, baking soda, salt, ginger, cinnamon, and cloves.
In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with a paddle, beat the butter on medium until creamy. Add the granulated sugar and beat on medium until light and fluffy, 2 to 3 minutes. Add the molasses, egg, and vanilla, and mix on low to combine. Add the flour mixture and mix on low until combined. Remove the bowl from the stand mixer, and using a spatula, make sure the molasses is completely combined into the dough and that the dough is a uniform color.
Form the dough into 2-ounce balls. Roll the balls in granulated sugar to coat. Place 4 balls an equal distance apart on a prepared pan.
Place the baking sheet in the oven and bake 8 minutes, until the cookies are puffed slightly in the center. Lift the side of the baking sheet up about 4 inches and gently let it drop down against the oven rack, so the edges of the cookies set and the inside falls back down (this will feel wrong, but trust me). After the cookies puff up again in about 2 minutes, repeat lifting and dropping the pan. Repeat 3-4 more times to create ridges around the edge of the cookie. Bake 13 to 16 minutes total, until the cookies have spread out and the edges are golden brown but the centers are much lighter and not fully cooked.
Transfer the baking sheet to a wire rack; let cool completely before removing the cookies from the pan.
Did Micah practice yoga this weekend?
Yes. Twice. 60 minutes Saturday and Sunday at Searsana Dripping Springs.
That’s 46 in-person weekend classes in 49 weeks this year.
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