Micah's Read of the Week, Vol. 74
Larry David's Notes for his Biographer, Micah Recommends, New Yorker Cartoon of the Week, an expanded New Year's Recipe Corner, and more.
Hello, and welcome to Micah’s Read of the Week.
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Larry David’s Notes for His Biographer
To “comedian,” you might want to add: speed reader, zoo guide, marathon runner, bowler, piano prodigy, adoptive dad, and linguist. It’s your call.
Here’s a delightful piece written by LD giving his future biographer some notes. It’s impossible to not enjoy.
There are many things about me that I’m sure might be of interest to readers. Things I’ve never really told anyone. I’ve always been a private person, but I wanted to make sure I got a few things down in writing, just in case anything happens to me—or before I forget!
Like, here’s something: People might be surprised to learn that I’m a speed reader.
Good to know. How about some information about Larry’s time as a standup.
There was one night at the Improv when I made a woman sitting in the front row laugh so hard that she went into convulsions and eventually lost consciousness. An ambulance had to be called, and she was taken to Roosevelt Hospital. It was touch and go there for a while, but thankfully she pulled through. I visited her the next day with the best bouquet of flowers that New York had to offer and humbly stood by while she told the nurse how “damn funny” I was. Pretty embarrassing, but what choice did I have?
From that point on, everyone started calling me Killer. People came to the club in droves, asking if Killer was going on. It wasn’t bad for my social life, either. No sooner would I finish a set than there would be half a dozen women at the bar, trying to talk to me. “Kill me! Kill me!” they would pant. I would choose two and off we’d go. One particular night, the husbands showed up. (I had no idea they were married—swear to God!) Fortunately, my father taught me how to box when I was a kid, and there’s no doubt I could’ve turned professional if comedy hadn’t called me. In any case, I was not to be trifled with. I calmly explained this to both husbands, but they were not impressed. Two minutes later, they were lying flat out on the sidewalk, whereupon their wives and I hopped into a cab and I did another set across town. When it was over, I bought a round of drinks for everyone, even though I didn’t have a penny to my name. (Interesting stuff, right? Hope it’s useful. Either way, I’m good—your call.)
More:
There wasn’t much money to be made in standup back then, so I supported my fledgling comedy career by working as a tour guide at the Central Park Zoo during the day. I’ve always had a deep connection with animals and I thought that would be the perfect job for me.
And it was, until some kid was admiring the polar bear and decided to jump the railing to get a closer look. I was in the middle of giving a tour when I heard screams coming from the kid’s parents and raced over there. The boy was on the ground in a state of shock, as the polar bear hovered over him, about to attack. As luck would have it, a few months prior I’d attended a lecture at the New School by one of the world’s foremost Ursus authorities, Dr. Meyer Dusenberry, who explained that if we were ever face to face with a bear we should create a cacophony. Without a second to lose, I grabbed the lid of a hot-dog pot from a nearby Sabrett’s cart, leaped over the fence, and frantically rattled the lid against the bars until the bear retreated. Then I slung the kid over my shoulder in a fireman’s carry (learned from my years as a volunteer with the F.D.N.Y.) and returned the youngster to his grateful parents. They offered me a huge reward, but I declined, saying that my reward was seeing their happy faces. No amount of money in the world could top that!
What happened next?
I kept in touch with the boy throughout his youth, and, after his parents lost all their money in a Ponzi scheme, I put him through college and medical school. Today, he’s on the verge of a monumental cancer-research breakthrough and is slated to appear on an upcoming cover of Time. I told him I preferred to remain anonymous in the article. (You don’t have to include this in the book, but, if you want to, I guess there’s nothing I can do about it.)
What else?
People always ask me what I would’ve done had I not become a comedian. Besides the aforementioned stints at prizefighting and animal husbandry, I was also a child prodigy at the piano. By the time I was eight, I was playing Beethoven’s “Hammerklavier” Sonata No. 29 in B-Flat Major flawlessly. There’s no telling how far I could’ve gone, but my budding career as a virtuoso ended when my “friend” Frenchie dropped a bowling ball on my foot. It broke my third and fifth metatarsal bones. I lost all proficiency with the pedals, and my tone was never the same. As I look back on that incident, what’s most galling to me is that I was only two strikes away from a perfect game when the “accident” occurred. Many years later, I ran into Frenchie at Yankee Stadium and accidentally dropped a fist in his face.
So these are just a few memories—yours to use as you see fit. Just know that there’s certainly a lot more where they came from!
There’s more. Including a story about LD’s career as a marathoner. Go check it out.
Micah Recommends
Mitch Albom on the Tony Kornheiser Show
Truly delightful.
On this special edition of the show, Tony chats with Mitch Albom about his evolution from being a sports writer to writing novels. Plus he talks to Mitch about his background in music - including a gig playing piano on the island of Crete, and they also talk about Mitch’s new book “The Stranger in the Lifeboat”
Good Morning It’s Basketball
Tom Ziller’s NBA-centric substack celebrated its two-year anniversary Sunday. It’s a must read if you like hoops. The newsletter hasn’t made Ziller rich, but he’s reached the ultimate goal of any free-lancer: sustainability.
I left SB Nation in December 2019 as they (over-)reacted to California’s freelancer law and could no longer accommodate my contract in a way that worked for me. Going independent was a leap of faith that the newsletter I’d written as a free offering for a few years (1,253 issues worth) could, when combined with my other NBA coverage, be a legitimate business. And it has been: two years in, with a pandemic hovering over most of that time, the newsletter is about where I want it to be as a business concern. It’s sustainable.
Truly, it’s kind of crazy to think about the fact that more than 1,000 people are paying real money to read my basketball thoughts every day. It’s humbling. I would never have imagined that when I started posting (bad) haiku about the Kings 16 years ago or when I was hustling a $10-per-post existence at AOL FanHouse. The sports internet … it’s been some crazy times and I assume it will continue to change in crazy ways.
The author has written basically everywhere on the sports internet. Congratulations to Tom for making it work.
New Yorker Cartoon of the Week
Back to the grind, am I right?
A few words from our sponsor, Micah
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Thank you for your support. Happy Holidays!
On to the recipes…
Recipe Corner
Sober January doesn’t start for another week. Let’s start with a drink.
SPICED APPLE CIDER OLD FASHIONED
1 ice ball unfiltered organic apple cider
1.5 oz smooth whiskey or bourbon
1 Luxardo cherry can sub maraschino
1 dash Angostura Bitters
1 orange peel
Place apple cider ice ball into wide-mouthed glass.
Put cherry into glass.
Add dash of bitters.
Express orange peel peel over glass and rub inside of the rim. Add to glass.
Pour whiskey over ice ball. You can serve immediately but I prefer to let it sit for about 5 minutes to allow the apple cider iceball to melt slightly and infuse the drink with flavor. If you finish the drink and still have the ice ball, add another shot and bitters for a second round!
Turkey Tortilla Soup
So you still have some leftover turkey in the fridge. No one wants another turkey sandwich. Here’s what to do with the rest of the bird (or a rotisserie chicken) tonight.
Eight 6-inch corn tortillas
1 1/4 cups low-sodium chicken broth or homemade turkey broth, plus more for thinning the soup as necessary
1 1/4 cups canned green enchilada sauce, such as Hatch brand
1 1/4 cups canned red enchilada sauce, such as Hatch brand
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1 cup nonfat half-and-half (may substitute for low-fat milk)
2 cups cooked turkey, shredded or cut into 1/2-inch dice
1 cup coarsely chopped grape tomatoes, for garnish
1 avocado, flesh cut into 1/2-inch dice, for garnish
1 jalapeño chile pepper, stemmed, seeded and finely minced, for garnish
1/4 cup shredded sharp cheddar cheese, for garnish
In a large, dry skillet over medium-high heat, working in batches, heat the corn tortillas on both sides until they are slightly charred in spots; this should take about 6 minutes total. Slice the tortillas into 1/2-inch-wide strips.
In a large, heavy-bottomed pot over medium heat, combine the broth and tortilla strips. Cook for 2 to 3 minutes, until the tortillas have softened and have thickened the broth.
Reduce the heat to medium-low and add the enchilada sauces, cumin, half-and-half and cooked turkey, stirring to combine. Cook for 3 to 5 minutes, until the soup is heated through. (You may add more broth to achieve a thinner consistency.)
To serve, divide the soup among individual bowls and garnish with the tomatoes, avocado, jalapeno chili pepper and cheddar cheese.
Mango and Avocado Salad
If you’re like me, you’re dying for some vegetables right now. This looks delightful.
⅓ cup extra-virgin olive oil
⅓ cup fresh blood orange juice
¼ cup fresh lime juice
1 Tbsp. honey
1 Tbsp. Diamond Crystal or 1¾ tsp. Morton kosher salt
½ tsp. freshly ground black pepper
1 shallot, finely chopped
2 Tbsp. finely chopped cilantro
4 blood oranges, peel and white pith removed, flesh sliced into irregular pieces
2 mangoes, peeled, sliced
2 avocados, peeled, sliced
1 cup halved cherry tomatoes
Whisk oil, blood orange juice, lime juice, honey, salt, and pepper in a small bowl to combine; mix in shallot and cilantro.
Arrange blood oranges, mangoes, avocados, and cherry tomatoes on a platter. Drizzle dressing over.
caramelized onion scalloped potatoes
Ok, back to the good stuff. The wife and I like to stay home, grill steaks, and watch Anderson Cooper get loaded. This is the side dish to ring in the new year.
¼ cup olive oil
2 medium yellow onions halved and thinly sliced
2 tsp Kosher salt
3 lb russet potatoes
2 cloves garlic minced
2 tbsp unsalted butter
½ cup white wine
1 pint heavy whipping cream about 2 cups
1 tbsp finely chopped thyme leaves
½ tsp white pepper
½ tsp garlic powder
¼ tsp cayenne pepper optional
3/4 cup shredded gruyere cheese
In a large skillet over medium heat, add the olive oil, onions and 1 tsp of salt. Stir to combine. Let the onions caramelize for 35-40 minutes, stirring often so that they brown but being careful not to burn.
While the onions are caramelizing, peel your potatoes and slice them into 1/4-inch rounds.
Add the sliced potatoes to a large bowl and fill with water until they are just covered, set aside (this helps prevent them from browning while you finish your onions).
Preheat your oven to 375℉ and grease a 9x13 baking dish.
Once the onions are caramelized, drain off any excess oil then place back over medium heat.
While the oven preheats, add the garlic and butter to the skillet with the onions. Melt the butter and sauté the garlic for about a minute.
Add the white wine to the skillet and let it cook until it has reduced by half, about 2 minutes. Once reduced, add the heavy cream and whisk to combine and bring to a simmer. Stir in the thyme, white pepper, garlic powder, cayenne (if using) and the remaining 1 tsp of salt. Stir to combine and cook, simmering and stirring often, to allow the flavors to mend and the sauce to slightly thicken, 4 more minutes. Remove from heat and set aside while you begin to layer your potatoes.
Drain the potatoes then add ½ of the potatoes to the bottom of the greased 9 x 13 pan in an even layer. Pour ⅓ of the sauce over the first layer of the potatoes (about 1 cup) then add ¼ cup of the cheese. Next, add the remaining potatoes then pour the remaining sauce over (do not add the remaining cheese yet!)
Cover with foil and transfer to the preheated oven and bake until the potatoes are just fork-tender, about 40 minutes.
Once tender, carefully remove the potatoes from the oven and increase your heat to 425℉.
Remove the foil and top the potatoes with the remaining ½ cup of cheese. Place back into the oven and cook, uncovered, for 8 to 10 minutes, or until the cheese is bubbly and lightly browned over the top.
Let cool for 5 to 10 minutes before serving.
Cranberry Swirl Rolls With Cream Cheese Frosting
Everyone also knows that Sober January/Whole30 doesn’t start until the 2nd. Make these the day before, and ring in the new year with a roll and a screwdriver. Happy New Year!
FOR THE DOUGH
1/4 cup (50 grams) granulated sugar
One (1/4-ounce/7.5-gram) packet or 2 1/4 teaspoons instant yeast
3/4 cup (180 milliliters) whole milk, slightly warm to the touch
4 cups (500 grams) all-purpose flour, plus more for rolling
3 large eggs
1/2 teaspoon fine sea salt or table salt
4 ounces (115 grams) plain cream cheese or unsalted butter, cold and cut into cubes (see NOTE)
1 tablespoon unsalted butter, softened, for greasing pan
FOR THE FILLING
3 cups (12 ounces/340 grams) fresh or frozen cranberries
1/2 cup (60 grams) confectioners’ sugar
1 tablespoon finely grated orange zest (from 1 large orange)
FOR THE FROSTING
4 ounces (115 grams) cream cheese, softened (see NOTE)
1 stick (4 ounces/113 grams) unsalted butter, softened but still cool to the touch
2 cups (250 grams) confectioners’ sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract or orange blossom water (optional)
1/4 teaspoon fine sea salt or table salt
Make the dough: In the bowl of a stand mixer, combine the sugar and yeast. Add the warm milk and leave the bowl uncovered in a warm place until the mixture looks thick and foamy, about 10 minutes. (If the mixture doesn’t become foamy within 15 minutes, the yeast is probably dead and you should start over with fresh yeast.)
Add the flour, eggs and salt. Attach the dough hook and mix on medium speed until a shaggy dough forms, about 2 minutes. Increase speed to medium-high and knead until the dough is smooth and starts climbing up the dough hook, 5 to 10 minutes, stopping to scrape the sides of the bowl as needed. With the mixer running, add the cream cheese, a few cubes at a time. Continue mixing, stopping to scrape the sides and bottom of the bowl as needed. The dough will initially fall apart, but after another 5 to 10 minutes of kneading, it will come together into a smooth, glossy ball.
Cover the bowl with a damp cloth and allow the dough to rise until doubled in size, about 1 hour.
Make the filling: While the dough rises, in the jar of a blender, combine the cranberries, sugar and orange zest. Blend until a smooth, deep red puree forms, stopping to scrape down the sides of the blender jar as needed.
Assemble the rolls: Grease a 9-by-13-inch baking pan with 1 tablespoon of butter.
On a lightly floured surface, roll the dough into a 12-by-16-inch rectangle. (If your kitchen is very warm, or the dough seems very soft, chill the dough in the freezer for 10 minutes to make it easier to roll and shape.) Using a spoon or offset spatula, spread the cranberry filling evenly across the surface of the dough. Starting on one long side, gently roll the rectangle up until it meets the other side. Tightly pinch the loose side to close the roll.
Transfer the roll to a cutting board, and cut it into 12 equal pieces. Transfer the rolls to the buttered baking pan, cut side down. Cover with a damp tea cloth or plastic wrap, and let the rolls rise until they’re doubled in size. This will take 1 to 2 hours at room temperature, but you also can allow the rolls to rise in the refrigerator overnight — no longer than 10 hours — and bake them in the morning.
Make the frosting: In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, combine the cream cheese and butter. Beat on medium-high speed until smooth, about 2 minutes. Stop the mixer, scrape down the sides and bottom of the bowl and add the confectioners’ sugar, extract, if using, and salt. Beat on low speed until combined, then increase the speed to high and beat until very light and fluffy, about 2 minutes. If baking rolls in the morning, refrigerate the frosting overnight.
When ready to bake, position a rack in the middle of the oven and preheat to 350 degrees.
Uncover the rolls and bake for 30 to 35 minutes, or until deep golden brown. Cool until just barely warm before frosting and serving.
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