Micah's Read of the Week, Vol. 76
Obit of the Week, cats being the worst, new newsletters, The Super Bob Einstein Doc, Micah reviews "Get Back", going viral on LinkedIn, a Dry January-friendly Recipe Corner, and more.
Hello, and welcome to Micah’s Read of the Week.
This is a newsletter filled with things Micah Wiener finds interesting.
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They bought a blender. Three weeks later, their cats continue to hold it hostage.
Check this lede:
On Black Friday, Jessica and Nikii Gerson-Neeves bought a blender. It was a Vitamix blender, a professional-grade splurge, and the couple was looking forward to a winter of smoothies and soups.
It arrived on Dec. 16 at their home on Vancouver Island in British Columbia. Jessica put the hefty box down on the floor in the kitchen, just for a second. Her 4-year-old tuxedo cat, Max, jumped up on the box. Jessica thought it was funny and snapped a photo.
Then Max’s 13-year-old feline siblings, George and Lando Calrissian demanded their turn on the knee-high box.
That was more than three weeks ago. Since then, the cats have refused to leave the box, fighting over who gets to perch upon it and taking turns standing guard while the others eat or are busy elsewhere. The blender remains ensconced inside.
This sounds terrible.
The couple are accustomed to seeing their cats jump on boxes and sit on piles of things. The animals usually lose interest after a day or two at most. Not this time.
Treats, decoy boxes and toys have been used, all for naught. The Gerson-Neeveses moved the box to a less-central area of the kitchen, hoping the change in geography would end the stalemate. But a cat remained on the box, on guard at all times. Jessica got up in the middle of the night to try to claim the box. Occupied.
They hoped that while they were away over Christmas that the cats would lose interest. The Gerson-Neeveses came home, put their bags on the floor and — nope. The Vitamix had not been abandoned. At one point, they coaxed Max into jumping onto a second box, but as soon as he leaped off, Lando jumped on. Max was not happy and quickly reclaimed the spotlight. The couple gave up on smoothies and started eating homemade ice cream.
Cats are monsters.
Obituary of the Week
RIP RENAY MANDEL CORREN 10 MAY 1937 - 11 DEC 2021
Check the lede on this obit:
El Paso, TX—A plus-sized Jewish lady redneck died in El Paso on Saturday.
Of itself hardly news, or good news if you're the type that subscribes to the notion that anybody not named you dying in El Paso, Texas is good news. In which case have I got news for you: the bawdy, fertile, redheaded matriarch of a sprawling Jewish-Mexican-Redneck American family has kicked it. This was not good news to Renay Mandel Corren's many surviving children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren, many of whom she even knew and, in her own way, loved. There will be much mourning in the many glamorous locales she went bankrupt in: McKeesport, PA, Renay's birthplace and where she first fell in love with ham, and atheism; Fayetteville and Kill Devil Hills, NC, where Renay's dreams, credit rating and marriage are all buried; and of course Miami, FL, where Renay's parents, uncles, aunts, and eternal hopes of all Miami Dolphins fans everywhere, are all buried pretty deep. Renay was preceded in death by Don Shula.
It only gets better from here. Every sentence is somehow better than the one before it.
Often frustrated by the stifling, conservative culture of the South, Renay turned her voracious mind to the home front, becoming a model stay at home parent, a supermom, really, just the perfect PTA lady, volunteer, amateur baker and-AHHAHAA HA! HA! HA! Just kidding, y'all! Renay - Rosie to her friends, and this was a broad who never met a stranger - worked double shifts with Doreen, ate a ton of carbs with Bernie, and could occasionally be stirred to stew some stuffed cabbage for the kids. She played cards like a shark, bowled and played cribbage like a pro, and laughed with the boys until the wee hours, long after the last pin dropped. At one point in the 1980's, Renay was the 11th or 12th-ranked woman in cribbage in America, and while that could be a lie, it sounds great in print. She also told us she came up with the name for Sunoco, and I choose to believe this, too. Yes, Renay lied a lot. But on the plus side, Renay didn't cook, she didn't clean, and she was lousy with money, too. Here's what Renay was great at: dyeing her red roots, weekly manicures, dirty jokes, pier fishing, rolling joints and buying dirty magazines. She said she read them for the articles, but filthy free speech was really Renay's thing. Hers was a bawdy, rowdy life lived large, broke and loud. We thought Renay could not be killed. God knows, people tried. A lot. Renay has been toying with death for a decades, but always beating it and running off in her silver Chevy Nova. Covid couldn't kill Renay. Neither could pneumonia twice, infections, blood clots, bad feet, breast cancer twice, two mastectomies, two recessions, multiple bankruptcies, marriage to a philandering Sergeant Major, divorce in the 70's, six kids, one cesarean, a few abortions from the Quietly Famous Abortionist of Spring Lake, NC or an affair with Larry King in the 60's. Renay was preceded in death by her ex-boyfriend, Larry King. Renay was also sadly preceded in death by her beloved daughter, Cathy Sue Corren Lester Trammel Webster, of Kill Devil Hills, NC, who herself was preceded in death by two marriages, a fudge shop and one eyeball lost in a near-fatal Pepsi bottle incident that will absolutely be explored in future obituaries. Losing her 1-eyed badass b**** of a daughter in 2007 devastated Renay, but it also made her quite homeless, since Cathy pretty much picked up the tab. A talented and gregarious grifter, Renay M. Corren eked out her final years of luxury (she literally retired at 62) under the care, compassion, checking accounts and, evidently, unlimited patience of her favorite son and daughter-in-law, Michael and Lourdes Corren, of world-famous cow sanctuary El Paso, TX. Renay is also survived by her son Jeffrey Corren and his endlessly tolerant wife Shirley, of Powell's Point, NC; Scott Corren, and what's left of his colon, of Hampton, VA; Marc and Laura Corren, the loveliest dirt farmers of Vernon, TX (seriously, where is that); and her favorite son, the gay one who writes catty obituaries in his spare time, Andy Corren, of - obviously - New York City.
Thank you Andy.
There will be a very disrespectful and totally non-denominational memorial on May 10, 2022, most likely at a bowling alley in Fayetteville, NC. The family requests absolutely zero privacy or propriety, none what so ever, and in fact encourages you to spend some government money today on a 1-armed bandit, at the blackjack table or on a cheap cruise to find our inheritance. She spent it all, folks. She left me nothing but these lousy memories. Which I, and my family of 5 brothers and my sister-in-laws, nephews, friends, nieces, neighbors, ex-boyfriends, Larry King's children, who I guess I might be one of, the total strangers who all, to a person, loved and will cherish her. Forever. Please think of the brightly-frocked, frivolous, funny and smart Jewish redhead who is about to grift you, tell you a filthy joke, and for Larry King's sake: LAUGH. Bye, Mommy. We loved you to bits.
I hope Andy is available to write my obit.
Micah Recommends
The Sunday Scaries Newsletter
You know Will deFries. He’s an author, podcaster, photographer, candle and sweatshirt salesman, and an all-around great guy. He’s a very hard worker and he always delivers. He even guest-edited this newsletter.
He recently started his own newsletter that drops every Sunday, as you might expect. It’s fun and it’s free. Subscribe now.
Journalism Yang Yang Newsletter
Published Wednesdays by writer Jeff Pearlman, it’s a fascinating look at the current state of journalism, stories from Pearlman’s career, and random musings like this one:
Musing 8: In case you need one, here’s your weekly reminder that Jason Whitlock used to matter, stopped mattering, realized he stopped mattering, joined the dark side and now lives a sad, pathetic, lonely life as a floppy douche.
This video of Charles Barkley talking about meeting Dirk Nowitzki
The Mavericks retired Dirk’s #41 last week, which allowed this video to circulate again.
Micah reviews “Get Back”
This week on my podcast Mind of Micah I talked about the new Beatles documentary, “Get Back.” Subscribe now to hear my thoughts, and you’ll get new episodes as soon as they are released.
Going viral on LinkedIn
I went viral this week. Not on a tweet or a podcast, but on your favorite professional network, LinkedIn. You can find me here, btw. Come join this network.
Check this post with nearly 26,000 views in the past week.
Am I a brilliant LinkedIn content mastermind? Probably not. But the point remains: despite all the talk about skyrocketing housing prices across Texas, there is still plenty of investment opportunity in our state.
Now is a great time to build a real estate portfolio. Click HERE to schedule a risk-free mortgage consultation with me now. Or get started in just a few clicks at micahwiener.com.
I would love the opportunity to work with you. Thanks again for your support.
On to the recipes…
Recipe Corner
It’s Dry January. Time for a mocktail. And the best mocktails have full-spectrum CBD oil from Earlybird. Earlybird is the official CBD of Dry January (I made that up, but it’s true).
New and returning customers can save 20% on any purchase right now at earlybirdcbd.com/newyear.
Salmon Kebabs With Nigella
How about some healthy grilled fish to start the year off right?
2 pounds (910 grams) center-cut skinless salmon fillet, cut into 2-inch (5-centimeter) chunks
2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
2 tablespoons chopped fresh mint
2 tablespoons chopped fresh chives
2 teaspoons Aleppo pepper
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1 teaspoon fine sea salt
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1/2 teaspoon nigella seeds
1/2 cup (120 milliliters) extra-virgin olive oil
1 red onion, cut into wedges
1 lemon (Meyer lemon, if available), cut into wedges
Put the salmon in a resealable plastic bag. Combine the parsley, mint, chives, Aleppo pepper, cumin, salt, black pepper, and nigella in a small bowl. Add the oil and stir to moisten. Pour the herb mixture over the salmon, turning the chunks to coat. Seal the bag and marinate for 2 hours in the refrigerator.
Prepare an outdoor grill or preheat the broiler. Thread the salmon onto metal skewers, alternating with pieces of red onion. Grill or broil for 2 to 3 minutes per side for a slightly pink interior or to your preferred degree of doneness. Serve hot with the lemon wedges.
Lemon Potatoes With Beans and Feta
This is a super easy side to get green veg, fiber, and starch on the table in less than an hour.
5 medium Yukon Gold potatoes (1 1/4 to 1 1/2 pounds), unpeeled and quartered lengthwise into wedges
1/4 cup olive oil
1/3 cup fresh lemon juice (from 1 1/2 large lemons)
1/3 cup water
3/4 teaspoon kosher salt, divided
8 ounces green beans, or haricots verts, trimmed
One (15-ounce) can butter beans or another white bean, such as cannellini, drained and rinsed
1 1/2 teaspoons dried oregano
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1/3 cup crumbled feta cheese (2 ounces)
Position a baking rack in the middle of the oven and preheat to 450 degrees.
Place the potatoes into a 9-by-13-inch rimmed baking dish. Pour the oil, lemon juice and water over the potatoes and sprinkle them with 1/2 teaspoon of the salt. Transfer to the oven and roast for 15 minutes. Using tongs, flip the potatoes and return them to the oven to roast 15 to 20 minutes more, until the potatoes are easily pierced with a fork and browned in spots.
Add the green beans, butter beans, oregano, pepper and the remaining 1/4 teaspoon salt to the dish with the potatoes and toss to combine and to coat the beans with the remaining oil in the pan. Return the dish to the oven for about 8 minutes, or until the green beans are crisp-tender. Sprinkle with the feta cheese and serve.
Did Micah Make it to Yoga this week?
Yes.
The goal is 52 in-person yoga classed this year. 1 week, 1 class. 1/1.
1-hour vinyasa flow at Wild Heart Yoga with Jessica B. Sunday 1.7.
Namaste.
More Micah
Podcasts: Mind of Micah, Back Door Cover, Too Much Dip
Twitter: @micahwiener & @producermicah (Why two twitters? It’s a long story)
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Email: micahwiener@me.com
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